Rediscovering yourself and God’s plan after divorce
                                                                  By Stephanie Bartelt

When I first became a single mom years ago, I had no intention of ever dating again. The last few years of my marriage had been almost unbearable. So much pain, so much neglect, so little peace. I didn’t want to risk that happening ever again. I had been in survival mode for a long time, and I felt unsure of how to get back into the life I had been missing. I just wanted to stay in my little cocoon, focused on my daughter.

I knew I needed help. Needed healing. Needed someone who had been through this before and could help light the path ahead of me. So, I went through DivorceCare. Twice. Seriously, once just wasn’t enough. There is so much brokenness when a marriage ends, no matter how it ends. I watched the videos, did the homework, and went to every meeting. I knew that no human relationship could provide the healing I needed, so I turned to God to be my everything. 
During those dark and lonely days, I learned to lean into Him and listen to His voice. I learned how to walk through each day with Christ as my companion. He taught me how to give up my pain and I felt Him healing me, day by day. As I grew closer to Christ, I felt Him sweetening what had been such a dark time. I began to see with new eyes what He was doing in my life. That He would use this struggle for my good and His glory. That He wouldn’t waste a second of it. The struggle pushed me so close to Him that I even found myself a little bit grateful for it.

THE WISDOM OF WAITING 
DivorceCare suggests staying single for one year for every four years of marriage. For me, that would mean three-and-a-half years of singleness. At first, I was almost happy about the long wait. I felt strengthened by the commitment I was making certain it was the right step for me. It also gave me an excuse to not have to open myself up to possible hurt again, a wise and protective move all in one.

I have witnessed women jumping into another relationship soon after one ends, and I have yet to see a good outcome. Their stomachs are still flipping from the last roller-coaster and they are suddenly jumping in line for the next. I get it. Loneliness can be intense enough that we just want companionship. Any companion. Maybe we don’t see the truth about ourselves anymore, lack hope, and don’t feel worthy of a good man. Maybe you started to believe what people said about you. Maybe you don’t see your value in Christ anymore but are looking through the darkly tinted glasses of someone who couldn’t see your worth. Any one of these struggles can make us think we have to settle for anyone who will have us. Especially if we believe that a godly man wouldn’t want us after all we have been through. For our good, and for the good of our children, we cannot afford to stay in that place. We have to fight for our own hearts and our children’s hearts. 

GROUNDING YOURSELF IN GOD'S TRUTH 
And here’s a good place to start…Soak yourself in God’s truth. Seek out what He says about you.
For me, Jeremiah 29:13-14 became a treasured Bible passage. “’You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back from captivity.’” Seek Him with all your heart. His promises are true and trustworthy. When He says He will be found by you and will lead you out of captivity, you can lean on that promise with your whole self. Your captivity may not be a physical one, maybe your captivity looks something like mine. Being captive to discouraging thoughts. Believing the lies Satan whispers about you. Believing what others have said about you.
But those aren’t the truths that define us. The truths that define us are infinitely better. Read what God says about you. What God calls you. Beloved. Treasure. Precious. Sought after. Redeemed. Those names are true. Those are what the God of the universe calls you. Who has the right to argue with Him?
Once those truths became rooted in my heart and God worked on healing me from my past, I found myself actually yearning for love again. For someone to walk this road with me, to lead me and my daughters well. During the course of these years, I adopted a daughter from Uganda and am now guiding two growing hearts on my own. I want this for my children as much as for myself. I want them to see what a godly marriage looks like up close and how a good man should treat them. That perspective has changed what I am looking for in a potential husband.

SETTING HIGH STANDARDS
One single mom I know was told by her friends that she couldn’t be picky anymore, because she had two kids. Nothing could be farther from the truth. She needs to be pickier than ever! She is making choices now that will affect both her and her children’s hearts for years to come. 
Now is the time to set the bar high.Crazy high. Olympic athlete on the high jump high. 
I don’t know about you, but I know me. I know that I am ready for the love of a good man, and I know that my loneliness could easily fool me about a man’s goodness (at least for a little while). So, I am taking steps to make sure that doesn’t happen. I encourage all the single moms I meet to make a list of what they are looking for in a future husband. Make it before you get asked on a single date. Before you are interested. Before next time. And don’t change it for any man. If he doesn’t meet the list, he doesn’t get to know the wonder that is you. The right man, the one God has planned for you, will be absolutely worth waiting for, beyond all you can ask or imagine.
Find a dear friend to hold your list and help you stay accountable to what you are looking for. 
Here’s a sample from my list:

1.  Non-Negotiables…

• Completely sold-out for Christ
• Loves my girls as his very own
• Thoroughly kind
• Truthful
• Faithful

2.  Of great importance…

• In a group of godly men (Bible study, accountability)
• Confident, humble leader
• Financially stable
• Wants to make a difference in the world.

3.  Wouldn’t it be cool if…

• Wants to dance with me in the kitchen.
• Is taller than me.
• Likes to watch movies.
• Kills all the spiders for us.

Honestly? I am so ready to retire as the Chief Spider Killer. And Mouse Trap Emptier. I may just throw away reusable mouse traps because I can’t stand emptying them. And I certainly can’t use the cheap wooden ones with the snap that make me see the destruction I’ve caused. I have more than paid my dues in these areas and I’m ready to hand over the titles.

​TRUSTING GOD WITH THE FUTURE 
I’ve spent a lot of time praying for the man that God may send someday. Praying that God is preparing Him to join our crazy crew. Praying that God will send that man to love us and lead us well. I’m praying for us, that God will prepare our hearts for him and will smooth the transition for all of us. I also know that if it isn’t God’s will for me to remarry, He will continue to walk with us every day and we will all be just fine. I am trusting Him to fill in the gaps of my solo parenting.
As you work on your list, I hope you have fun. I hope you dream and start thinking about the future. I hope you remember to set your bar high. You—and your children—are worth it.


 
 

                                                                  Help men become better
 
                                                                    By Tilly. Dillehay
                               
                                                                   (Of the state of Tennessee)


My six-year-old son is in the other kayak. His skinny arms strain; sweat sticks his curls to his forehead in one spot. He turns his head back to see where I am, and a grin flashes over his whole face. Then his enormous brown eyes go serious, and the long lashes flick down to the water again.
I have told him that he must lead the way; he must lead his mother around the point to the west side of the campsite. His whole body is wriggling with the joy of playacting the mantle of leadership.
“Mom, watch out for that log!” he calls out. His voice is warm with the joy of having something to warn me about.

Men-in-ProcessWhen we are claimed by Christ, we suddenly find ourselves with a new, perfect Brother — and a great many other brothers who are not perfect. Like my son in the next kayak, these men are all men-in-process. As men, God calls them to specifically masculine forms of initiative, protection, and construction (Genesis 2:15–19; Ephesians 5:25–33). When all systems are working well, men are born with a craving for challenge. They see hard work and skill as a path to respect, which they deeply desire.  When I was a young girl, my father was the template for masculinity. His kind authority, curiosity about the world, and handiness set the bar. Later, I looked around me and noticed that there were not just men but boys whom I watched with wonder and awe. Why did they seem so eager to engage new ideas, to explore unbroken terrain, and so interested in putting things together, in making them work? Why did they appear so intent on competing with one another and on being friends after the challenge had ended? I made notes in my mind like an anthropologist.   Train your eyes to spot more of the excellent in men.”

But as I grew older, I grew to see the dark underside of masculinity as well. Initiative can turn to lascivious grasping. Strength can be used for brutality instead of protection. Construction can get flipped into the “off” position, leaving passivity, foolishness, and lazy self-indulgence in its wake.
Now, as a Christian woman with some years under my belt, I am more aware than ever of the blessing of godly masculinity and the tragedy of failed masculinity. And I am more aware than ever of the power women have to encourage and affirm the masculine.

Woman Among BrothersA woman’s unique ability to call out the masculine overlaps with Paul’s command to all believers in Philippians 4:8: Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. We are to be connoisseurs, bright and optimistic, looking for good things to think about in God’s world. We train our minds to be noticers of the lovely and commendable: A boy leading his sister across the street. A man holding the door for you. Your husband mowing the lawn. Your pastor preaching an excellent sermon. By thinking about “these things,” you train your eyes to spot more of the excellent in men — like hunting for a certain wildflower in the woods, which, upon finding once, you suddenly see everywhere.

Beyond just spotting good things, we have good reason also to speak of them. “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person,” says Colossians 4:6. If we are to speak graciously to unbelievers, how much more to fellow men and women in the family of God? “As we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith” (Galatians 6:10).

We should be the sort of women who see and praise all sorts of people, men and women both, old and young. And then we can go a step further, developing the special gift of the feminine to encourage and adorn the masculine.

  How to Encourage a Man-in-ProcessThere are many ways to be a warm sounding board to men-in-process we encounter. Of course, the responsibility looks different depending on the man. It shifts as we move through the circles of intimacy in our lives. “Pray for the men in your life, praise the excellent in them, and let the teaching of kindness rest on your tongue.”

Our husbands are in the first tier. Our sons and fathers are in the next tier. Further out, we find fellow members of our local church, brothers, brothers-in-law, uncles, cousins, nephews, our teachers and students and bosses and coworkers. Strangers on the street or in the restaurant. The man who drives our Uber. We are called to love each of these men and to encourage them on their way, to direct their gaze, whenever possible, to the calling they have been given as sons of Adam. Love, we know, “hopes all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7).

Certainly, we are not responsible to them in the same ways. For example, I am called to take special ownership of my husband’s body (1 Corinthians 7:4), which means I interact with him quite differently from any other person alive. I am called to submit to his authority (Ephesians 5:21–24), to maintain his household (Proverbs 31; Titus 2:5), to love and help to raise our children (Titus 2:4), and to pay especially close attention to the way I speak to him (1 Peter 3:1–6).

Lately, I’ve learned that this means letting him make decisions without adding “helpful” suggestions when they aren’t specifically requested. I’ve learned it means saying little or nothing about his innocent mistakes. It means praising and thanking him more than anyone else in my life. Like water, it helps to produce fruit in his life — more strength, cheer, and courage.

With my son, I speak to him with respect and try to leave small spaces for a training-wheels version of initiative. I ask him to open a door for me, to pick up something I call “heavy,” or to pray over a meal. These are not acts of submission to my son. They are acts of mimed respect, to tease out and encourage his young and fragile sense of masculinity.

For the men in your life to whom you are not directly responsible, you can still demonstrate respect and affirm, even draw out, the good things God is doing through them by interacting with them in a feminine way. Seek out and accept help when appropriate. Ask for advice or information that you know particular men can offer. Say, “Thank you,” with a smile.
​
Pray for the men in your life, praise the excellent in them, and let the teaching of kindness rest on your tongue at all times. Through your feminine efforts, you can create the kind of atmosphere that makes their masculine effort worthwhile in this world.
 
 
 

 
                                                   Four Things Every Daughter Should Know
                                                                     (  Anonymous)

Recently I have been reading aloud the book of Proverbs in my daily Bible meditation. Many of the proverbs are addressed to the writer’s son. In fact, the phrase “my son” occurs 23 times throughout the book. I began to wonder how my perspective might change if I read  my daughter  instead of “my son.” So that’s what I did, and I found that Solomon’s teaching became much more personal to me. The proverbs give profound  advice, and when I began to personalize my reading, I found four pieces of advice that are very applicable to daughters and especially for daughters in the faith
.

1. My daughters, don’t get sucked in when people come to you with schemes to make a lot of money and get rich quickly. They will say, “I admire your Christian thinking. Just think of how many people you can help if you were rich!” Or, they will say, “we are not breaking the law, we are just bending it a little.” Of course, they are lying. Think carefully. What eventually happens to people who circumvent the law, to people who step on others on their way to fame? Inevitably they get exposed. Inevitably they end up broken. Do you remember Jesus’ question to his disciples? He said, “What good is it if you gain the whole world but lose your soul?”  Some people work hard to get money, jewelry and other material things, but they don’t pay attention to their inner being. That voice inside us that urges us to do what is right. Money, jewelry, and other physical things are not what makes you rich. What makes you rich is working hard to achieve the spiritual riches of heaven. [Proverbs 1:8-17; Matt 16:26].
2. My daughters, be very careful about who you choose to hang out with. You can have a lot of friends and acquaintances but be selective about who you spend the majority of your time with. It has been scientifically proven that after a while, you begin to think like the people you hang out with. They influence how you behave, and they influence the choices you make. This influence can be subtle, and it works at an unconscious level, so you may not even realize how they are influencing you. If you choose to cultivate a deep friendship with someone who does not have godly beliefs, they may subtly influence you to make unethical or unwise choices. This is not an age-related phenomenon. Whatever age you are, you are influenced by the people you hang out with.  In his letter to the Galatians, the apostle Paul writes to a group of people who are being influenced by someone to reject a basic teaching of their Christian faith. This one person’s negative influence was like leaven in a lump of bread--it was spreading throughout the entire church group. Daughters, be aware of your own strengths and weaknesses. You can be a good influence on others, but the opposite of that can also be true, others can be a bad influence on you. [Prov 1:18-19; Galatians 5:7-10] 
3. My daughters, don’t be enticed into committing sexual sin. The temptation to participate in sexual sin can come from multiple directions. There are plenty of visual, oral and subconscious stimulants that you see every day, which can cause you to engage in lustful thoughts which can in turn lead to sexual sin. A half-naked picture in a magazine, a torrid love scene in a movie, a suggestive advertisement. And then, there are tangible temptations that you may face—a tantalizing suggestion from someone’s husband or stimulating touches from your boyfriend. No doubt about it, you are going to be tempted. Many people treat sex as a casual thing. “It’s no big deal,” they say, “just make sure you protect yourself from the consequences.”  My daughters, God knows that we are going to be attracted to sex, after all, he created us. That is why he made provision for us to have sex within a covenant relationship, within marriage. Sex is not a casual thing to be engaged in without a legal commitment. This is important because your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. The apostle Paul writes that all other sins we commit are outside of our body, but when we commit sexual sin, we sin against our own bodies, and we defile the temple of the Holy Spirit. My daughters, there are many physical dangers that can result from sexual sin—unexpected pregnancy, venereal diseases, violent acts of jealousy--but the greatest danger of sexual sin is it can harm your soul. Resist this temptation with a firm “NO.” Run away from it as fast as you can. Honor your body and remember that it is the temple of the Holy Spirit. [Prov 5:1-12; 1 Corinthians 6:18-20]
4. My daughters, don’t let anyone tell you or treat you like you are less than. You know what I mean—women can’t lead as well as men, women are too emotional, girls can’t do this or that. It’s all rubbish. The Bible is filled with examples of women who face and overcome great challenges, proving that we are not sub-par. Think of Esther who faced up to a king to save her people; Deborah a military leader who successfully led the Israelite army against the enemy; Mary, who stood at the foot of the cross as her innocent son was crucified by the Romans.  Godly women are not soft, and they are not weak. Read Proverbs 31 to get a view of how strong we are. Our strength is fueled by Jesus’ example, and we show it in our capacity to love, nourish, endure, teach, work, encourage, bear children and generally take care of business--all while focusing on the things that are pure, lovely, admirable and right.  My daughters, lean into your strength and be a confident woman of God. [Proverbs 31, Philippians 4:8]

Throughout the book of Proverbs, the author urges his sons to seek wisdom. He explains that wisdom is more valuable than gold or silver and the cornerstone of all wisdom is to revere God, to treat God and his laws with awe and deep respect.  My daughters, let your reverence for God guide you as you live your best life. [Proverbs 2:1-5] 
 
 

                                                                       Are You Using Your Sword? 
  

​ 
                                                                                   By Erin Davis
​
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well" (Psalm 139:13–14).

"But the LORD said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart'" (1 Samuel 16:7).

"The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord" (Psalm 45:11).

Suddenly I knew I had been lied to.

For years I struggled to accept my own beauty and value. I believed lies like "you have to be perfect in order to be loved," "everyone else is thinner and more beautiful than you are," "your value is tied to your weight," and "there's no such thing as too thin." It wasn't long before I started to dwell on those lies. Then I started to act. Before I knew it I was in bondage. And I didn't even know I had been lied to.

But that changed when I got serious about turning to God's Word for truth. When I read passages like the ones above and chose to accept them as truth, those lies suddenly lost their hold on my heart. God's Word became a spotlight pointing to areas that I'd been deceived.

This is the mystery spelled out by Hebrews 4:12: "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

God's Word is the sword we must use to defend ourselves against the lies told by the world and by the evil one. It is also the shovel we must use to uproot lies once they have taken root in our hearts. We cannot live lives committed to God's truth without loving and reading God's Word.

Many of you have told me that you also struggle in the areas of beauty and worth. My advice? Dig into God's Word. Others of you struggle with boy craziness or the need to have affirmation from a boy. Dig into God's Word. Some of you are wrestling with the consequences of past sins. Dig into God's Word. Some of you don't know where you've been deceived, but your lives are a mess and you sense that something isn't right. Dig into God's Word.

The Bible is so much more than a book. It is living and active. It is a sword that has the power to slice lies right out of our lives. Have you picked up your sword today? 
 

​                                                                            A Heart That Hosts The King

                                                                                            (Anonymous)

Lately, I find myself pausing to reflect on my faith, the present and the world around me. During a quiet afternoon walk, a thought struck me: What if Jesus were to descend from heaven and look for hearts in which to take refuge? Who would He choose? Would He find me worthy? This led me to consider attributes that make a person a dwelling place for Jesus: love, forgiveness, gratitude, and obedience.
Love: Love appears hundreds of times in the Bible. The greatest commandments are to love God with all our hearts and minds, and to love our neighbors as ourselves (Matthew 22:37-40, Mark 12:29-31). In today’s fast-paced world, love is asking someone how they’re doing and truly meaning it, standing in the gap for those whose faith is tested, helping before being asked, and advocating for the voiceless. Love is lifting our church leaders in prayer, asking God to grant them strength and wisdom in their ministry, and nurturing those with abundance and kindness, so that their blessings may continue to flow without end. God is love. 1 John 4:20 reminds us: “If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ and yet hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.”
Forgiveness: Whom have I not forgiven? The day I became a Christian, I believed I had forgiven every slight. Yet, as I went deeper, I realized true forgiveness is seeing no one through the lens of past offenses. When asked how many times to forgive, Jesus said, “Seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22). My capacity for unforgiveness was immense; a week, a month, or even a year could pass, and I would still carry a grudge. Would Jesus have found refuge in my heart then?
Gratitude: Psalm 100:4-5 calls us to enter God’s gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise. Gratitude invites God’s presence into our lives, yet I often fall short. Each breath and heartbeat is a gift from God, His love language to us. Each moment we fail to acknowledge these gifts is a moment we fail to create a safe passage for Jesus in our lives.
Obedience: John 14:15 reminds us: “If you love me, keep my commands.” Obedience is following God fully, staying rooted in His Word, and letting the Holy Spirit guide us. Jesus obeyed the Father from birth until His ascension. Obedience is relying on God from the start, not seeking approval after decisions are made. In career choices, friendships, or places of worship, short-term success can be mistaken for blessings if achieved through disobedience. I now begin every prayer from love, gratitude, forgiveness, and obedience: “Let Your Will Be Done In My Life.”
May we pause in our daily lives to become sanctuaries for Jesus, hearts where He would feel truly at home and STAY.
 

                                                                                    Destroy Her with Discontent
                                                                                (Satan’s Aim for Every Woman) 
                                                                         
​                                                                                By Rebekah Merkle of Idaho
 
My dear Lilith,
It’s lovely to hear from you, darling! I’m very glad you wrote to me. Screwtape, poor thing, does his best — but he doesn’t understand the feminine perspective. Of course, that doesn’t stop him from acting as if he knows everything, and if I’ve told him once, I’ve told him a thousand times. I’m persuaded that we will fare much more comfortably if we keep this just between us girls. 

My understanding is that you have been assigned several perplexing cases to handle simultaneously. You must be exhausted. Those ridiculous secretaries at headquarters haven’t the least notion of how to manage job assignments, and I have no idea how they came to be allowed to run anything. 

I’m writing to you today to discuss discontent. Now it doesn’t matter what particular topic the discontent fastens to. Just look for any little nook or cranny in their souls where you can insert the seeds of discontent, making sure that they take root. With some women, it may be best to plant the seeds of discontent somewhere around the topic of their looks: their face, their weight, their figure. 

If, in the off chance, that doesn’t seem to take, latch onto the topic of relationships. Discontent with the husband, discontent with the lack of a husband, discontent with the children, discontent with the lack of children — the seeds of discontent can grow in any kind of soil, which is what makes it so effective. It can really be anything: missed opportunities, wrongs done to them in their past, failed ambitions. All of these are good options for where to start.

The first step with each of your girls is to find just a cozy little something to make them unhappy — and then tend it. Tending it means that you need to keep them concentrated on the thing itself, while keeping them from noticing the state of their own soul. Keep them looking at their husband’s failings (“he just doesn’t seem to even care about my needs”) and not their own heart. Keep them looking “in the mirror,” if you will. 
Obviously, this means you need to keep them away from the Enemy’s book. If it happens that you can’t keep them from the book completely, you can effectively turn it to your advantage by simply making sure to keep all their thoughts focused on how their husband isn’t living up to the instructions the book contains. That can serve your purpose very well. 

And it’s not at all a bad thing if you can get them to talk about their discontent with their friends — provided, of course, that they are the right friends. You want to encourage friendships that will feed and pet the discontent, rather than uproot it. Even prayer groups and mentorships are fabulous places for this to happen, if you manage it correctly.

Once you have the discontent well established and flourishing, you have a perfectly easy job ahead of you. You can take discontent any number of directions, and it only requires a little bit of creativity. Think of discontent as a small spark. You just need to get it planted into a welcoming little pile of shavings somewhere, and soon enough it spreads.

Let’s say you get one of your subjects solidly discontent with the state of her marriage. It will take little effort on your part to direct her attention to other marriages that seem better than hers. From there, you can easily fan that into full-blown envy of her friend or sister. And if you can’t turn that into a ruined friendship, then I wash my hands of you. Lies, backbiting, cheating, refusals to forgive, all are easily attainable once you have the discontent well established. 

One of my favorite places to go, however, is bitterness. It’s so deliciously long-term, and it’s very gratifying to watch a subject get more and more shriveled with it. It lacks the spectacular showiness of adultery, of course, but it’s often more rewarding in the long run. If you overplay your hand and steer your subject into something obvious like adultery, then it’s all too easy for them to suddenly repent — and then all your hard work is undone. But bitterness achieves all the same results, but far more dependably. Make her discontent, convince her that she’s not worth anything, and then drive her into all kinds of self-destructive tendencies. Enslave her to beauty, leaving her discontent to hold the whip that makes her run. And if you can drive her into a profound self-absorption and pride, then you will be able to sit back and feel satisfied with your work. The irony is that the silly women never seem to notice that whether they obsess over their own beauty or intentionally harm themselves, it’s all the same to us. We win either way.

As always, give my love to that old busybody Screwtape.

​Your affectionate auntie,



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                        Love Your Brothers in Christ                                
                  A Guide for Single Women By Tilly Dillehay
 
 
I remember the first time someone flirted with me. 
I
was fourteen or so, out with a male-female group for the first time. I was rather loudly telling a story to my sister when a teenage boy suddenly put up his pointer finger. “Shhh,” he said. “You’re too pretty to talk.” Insulting, but to a young teen girl, oddly flattering. It was memorable — the first time my whole brain was flooded with the addictive substance that is the male gaze. I wish I could say that I soon grew and matured into sobriety, leaving the cheap thrill behind in my journey to adulthood. But I went to college when I was sixteen years old; my fleshly appetite for attention only grew as it was fed. And when I became a Christian in my early twenties, the old habits of interaction with the opposite sex died hard.

For a time, the only thing I knew to do was to avoid single men. If I ever encountered one who seemed “legit” — a respectable, hardworking, marriageable man with a job and a commitment to the church — I would be very rude to him. I suppose I didn’t want to seem eager. You may wonder how I could maintain such widespread impoliteness, but it was easy. There was only one single man in our church at that time. Reader, I married him.   I’m actually serious about that last part. God was very kind to arrange a marriage between myself and the awkward young preacher  intern at my church. A dozen years later, I am often overwhelmed with gratitude at the Lord’s kindness in protecting me from worse than the muck I waded through in my early life, largely shielding me from greater consequences of my foolishness about men. I have to admit that part of the means God used to protect me was to marry me off to a godly man early in my sanctification journey. It was better to marry than to burn.
Restraint, Modesty, Dignity, RespectWe have three daughters and one son now. As so many parents can tell you, much of my advice for my children about relating to the opposite sex begins with “Don’t do what I did.” But in advising my daughters and other single gals on how to relate to single men, four major principles come to mind.
1. Show restraint in your daydreams.I wasted so many moments (from my young teens onward) thinking about romance. I understand that this is normal — young girls dreaming of weddings, meet-cutes, that one brown-haired boy in the youth group. But oh, if only I could prevent the total takeover of the daydream from stealing my daughters’ productivity in their single years!
I strongly recommend disciplining your daydreams. If you can’t control the rabbit trails of fancy when you are young, if you let your brain wander down any pleasurable road, you leave yourself soft, undisciplined, and open to sin. Like a young man given over to lust and pornography, a young woman lounging on rom-com pillows and serially indulging in crushes leaves herself unwilling and unable to fight the good fight of godliness with contentment. Although her daydreams may not be inherently impure and defiling to the imagination, she is pacifying herself with fantasy instead of choosing to strengthen her spiritual, mental, and emotional muscles for life in the real world.
The daydream is a kind of drug, even if a very mild one. It renders you less sensitive to the pleasures of knowing God himself (Psalm 16:11). And, like any neutral appetite for something innocent (such as food, screens, or sleep), it can either be mastered and made to serve God and health and all good things, or it can be allowed to take over a life and rule it.
2. Show modesty in your behavior.Loud, boisterous joking that makes you the life of the party often feels fun. Dressing and speaking in a way that attracts attention can be gratifying. Making pointed eye contact with a stranger may boost the ego. But these are cheap thrills. This kind of pleasure distracts you from developing your skills in ordinary relational work, such as resolving conflict, listening, and interceding for others in prayer.  “Your personality needs to give way to wisdom, not the other way around.”
The other reason this pleasure is cheap is that it steals value from your reputation. I’m not saying you should kill your personality in order to adopt another arbitrary one. Some of us are jolly people. Some of us are quiet and contemplative. There is room for the virtue of modesty within the range of God-given personalities. But your personality needs to give way to wisdom, not the other way around. All personalities must be strained through the sieve of Scripture.
While modest behavior can be hard to define, you can imagine behavior that would give you pause if you saw it in a mature Christian lady: A woman who is constantly drawn to the young men in a group, laughing and talking loudly. A woman who always finds a way to give a topic a flirtatious edge or to bring a conversation back around to herself. A woman who gossips about others who are not present. A woman who is open to a lot of casual texting, calling, or online interaction with any man who reaches out. A woman who dresses in a way that is sexually suggestive or demands attention.
Her reputation may not appear damaged in the moment, but over time these kinds of behaviors will damage her reputation among people of sense. A Christian man pursuing a godly life with a godly wife will log this information in his head. He knows the difference between this kind of woman and “women [who] adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control . . . with what is proper for women who profess godliness — with good works” (1 Timothy 2:9–10).
Proverbs warns that charm is deceitful and beauty is vain (Proverbs 31:30). There is clearly a type of feminine charm that is lovely, deep, slow, and lasting. There is another kind that is loud, self-indulgent, and short-lived. A farsighted woman understands that although practicing modesty around single men may feel like it slows down the momentum of “attracting a mate,” it is a far better way.

3. Show dignity in communicating expectations.As one made in the image of God, you already have dignity as a woman (Genesis 1:27). When you operate from this awareness, you will not allow your time and attention to be commandeered by any young man who wanders into your life.  For many single women, fear of remaining single is very real. But don’t let a desperate desire to be married drive you to put up with immature behavior, lazy pursuit, or even sexual advances from men. And if you accept the premise that you’re in a race against time (or worse, against other women) to get a man, you may yourself behave in unseemly ways in order to stand out from the crowd.  So while a woman’s dignity is God-given, it can be obscured by immature behavior and treatment. And it can be cultivated in small acts of self-control and relational practice. When you behave in ways that demonstrate your imago-Dei dignity — fighting your fleshly passions, taking initiative in love and service, expecting respectful and dignified treatment from men you know — you make a statement about God’s intentions in creating you.
It’s true that a woman derives a lot of her sense of dignity through her close relationships: Our parents love us, and we absorb dignity from this. Our girlfriends have character, and we absorb dignity from this. Our husbands are godly and faithful to us, and we absorb dignity from this. There’s no question that the heart-cry of a woman is to love and be loved, and that outside of this knowledge, her sense of dignity is hard to generate from scratch.
Here I would just urge a single woman, particularly one separated from her family, to focus on intimacy with her heavenly Father and then to throw herself into the circles of her church. Offer to cook for families, at their home or yours. Host friends. Push through conflict, confess sin to others, meet with older women in the Lord, and faithfully attend church meetings. I know it’s hard. I know that there is a loneliness that can be felt in the bones. But a woman’s dignity can be carried and strengthened through single years, and God has much to teach you if you will lean into obedience while being honest with him about the pain.  Ask God to be the ballast that allows you to interact with single men in a way that shows you are not “up for anything.” Communicate clearly with your body language, frequency and depth of communication, and explicit responses that your time is not up for grabs. You are available for a certain general friendliness with all the men and women in the church, but you will not dive into frequent or intimate contact without a clear purpose.
4. Show respect to all men.When you are in conversation with a man, whether he is married or single, there are many ways you can demonstrate respect without making yourself available to him emotionally or physically. If you have a brother, you can imagine the kinds of voices, faces, and words that make him feel demeaned and disrespected, along with those that make him feel honored and esteemed: Asking for his opinion and listening to the answer. Laughing kindly at a joke instead of rolling your eyes. Waiting on him to make a decision in a small matter, which gives him a chance to practice something along the lines of leadership. Any man you encounter is someone to whom you can demonstrate a kind of respect.   Every man you see can be loved as an image-bearer of God your Father and, for believing men, Christ your brother. You want each of these men to thrive and mature. Though you are not responsible to them in the same ways you would be to your own father, brother, husband, or son, you can see all men as father-types or brother-types in the Lord, and you can be a warm sounding board to each man-in-process that you meet. A dignified woman knows how to show gentle and warm respect to all men, and should God call you to marriage, this will make it all the easier for you to show special respect, love, and submission to your particular husband.

Now, Then, and ForeverImagine yourself in the new heavens and new earth — unmarried, a woman but somehow not built for procreation, living in your body without curse or stain of sin — and imagine the many brothers and sisters you will be interacting with there. In all likelihood, this kind of honoring relationship between men and women will continue into eternity. And through the practices of restraint, modesty, dignity, and respect, a single woman in the church can seek to love single men well right now, as she anticipates that final day. Her single years can be a sweet aroma in the Lord’s nostrils, an offering that demonstrates faith in her Maker who is also her Husband (Isaiah 54:8). She will be preparing well for earthly marriage, should God call her to it. More significantly, she will be preparing well for the marriage supper of the Lamb (Revelation 16:9), the heaven where men and women are no longer given in marriage to each other (Matthew 22:30) but are presented together “in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing” (Ephesians 5:27) for eternal intimacy and fellowship with Christ.


 

                                                                              ‘Never Look Your Age’                                                                                                                                              

                                                                                  by  Stacy Reaoch
 
As I sat in the dermatologist’s office, I scanned the bottles of serums and ointments on display in the waiting room moisturizers, exfoliates, anti-aging serums, under-eye treatments. Although many people (like me) were probably there for typical skin scans or skin problems, it was clear that the dermatologist was also in the business of helping women look younger.

I peered into the mirror and noticed the “eleven lines” on my forehead. Surely there’s some sort of magic cream that can reduce their visibility, I thought. When I asked the dermatologist for a recommendation, her answer surprised me: “The only cure for those is Botox.” The eleven lines were here to stay. Our exchange made me wonder, Why do I want to erase the signs of aging on my face? Didn’t I earn these lines raising four kids, working hard, pouring myself out for others?

                                                                          Shiny (and Expensive) Lies

In our society, the pressure to appear youthful and fit comes from every corner. From the ads on TV, to the filtered images on social media, to the endless beauty products lining the shelves of stores, the message is clear: Do everything you can to turn back the hands of time — and never reveal your real age! But as Christian women, how are we supposed to think about aging? The Bible’s view of beauty and aging is an upside-down perspective compared to the world’s. Often, when we use cosmetic procedures to try to disguise our age, we’re buying into the message that our value lies in our appearance.  The willingness to endure painful, expensive procedures to enhance our appearance should make us step back and consider our motives. Are we fearful that our husband won’t find us attractive anymore, or that we’ll be single forever? Are we worried about others thinking well of us, getting the promotion, or being liked by the right crowd?  Certainly, it’s not a sin to want to take care of our bodies — we honor God by stewarding them well. But when we become consumed with looking younger or fitting into a smaller dress size, we make our bodies into idols.

                                                                      God’s Upside-Down Kingdom

While some of us may not want to admit how old we’re turning, the Bible celebrates the growing number of candles on your birthday cake. Often, as Job 12:12 reminds us, “wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days.” Then there’s Proverbs 16:31: “Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life.”  Few of us see gray hair as a crown. We think it’s something to hide!
Yet the Bible tells us to prize gray hairs as we might a long life devoted to following Jesus. God, through his word, wants to take our minds off our appearance (and all the fears that go with it) and give our attention to spiritual maturity instead. Suddenly, it becomes possible to celebrate becoming older as we delight to see how God has shaped us over many years.  “True beauty isn’t found on a magazine cover, but in our perfect God.”  The longer we’ve been on this earth, the more opportunities we’ve had to trust Jesus and to grow in wisdom. We’ve experienced more ups and downs; our perspective spans decades of life. God has used the trials we’ve walked through to shape who we are. Singleness, financial loss, raising children, chronic illness, bereavement — these trials have not been easy, but God has been present through each of them. Changes to our bodies can serve as a reminder of this.

Next time you look in the mirror and notice the ways your body has changed, try looking in a different way.Those stretch marks and loose skin around your abdomen — maybe they’re a reminder of the gift of children. Perhaps those dark circles under your eyes show the late nights you’ve spent counseling a troubled friend or anxious teen. That furrowed brow reveals the trials you’ve worked through, figuring out how to be a diligent friend or family member or worker. Those crow’s feet and laugh lines are sweet reminders of time spent delighting with others. In Christ, the physical signs of aging are not marks to despise, but signs of how God has worked through your circumstances to turn you into the person you are today. Seen this way, they can encourage you to trust him with your future, whatever your fears.
                                             
                                                                                              True Beauty


Our desires to attain flawless skin, a toned body, or the size we were twenty years ago point to the longing to be beautiful. We so easily measure ourselves by the standards of the world. Yet true beauty isn’t found on a magazine cover, but in our perfect God. Jesus suffered on the cross and died for our sins in the most beautiful, selfless act of love. When we place our faith in him, we are covered in his righteousness. Now, God sees us as beautiful — because Christ is. The beauty God esteems is displayed through character attributes like grace, mercy, steadfast love, and faithfulness. Instead of focusing our efforts on becoming more beautiful through make-up, salon visits, or workouts, may we seek to emulate Christ and embrace his beauty. As we do, we will be freed from enslavement to self. We will be like David, so taken with the Lord’s beauty that we forget our own troubles:

One thing have I asked of the Lord,
     that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
     all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
     and to inquire in his temple. (Psalm 27:4)

True beauty makes Christ visible through our acts of love. The truly beautiful use the body God gave to joyfully serve others in need, from making a meal for the neighbor who just had surgery, to speaking words of kindness and compassion to a friend walking through depression, to hugging the child that fell and scraped his knee. As Paul reminds us in Romans 10:15, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach good news!”Notice, there is no mention of the beauty of their faces or the strength of their muscles, but their feet — so often dirty and stinky — are called beautiful. They allow us to carry the good news of Jesus to others.
     
​                                                                                  Look to Eternity

Pursuing the Bible’s definition of beauty will not come easy in our day and age. But 2 Corinthians 4:16–18 reminds us of the fight to keep an eternal perspective: We do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. As believers in Christ, we are called to have a different mindset than the world’s. We’re called to look beyond what eyes can see and hands can touch, remembering that God longs for us to fix our eyes on him instead of on our own wrinkles and bodily changes. The weightiness of life’s trials and our fears of aging pale in comparison to the riches of eternity. Ladies, the gospel is good news for aging. Despite the added candles to our birthday cakes, we will grow more beautiful as we grow more like Christ.

                                                                                 THE JOY OF LIFE!
 
                                             By Dianne B Blakley.   Member northside church Conway AR
 
Joy can often be an elusive thing in this broken and fallen world for us in this life. When, at every turn, we’re greeted with death, destruction, greed and despair.  Yes, we will suffer, pain, loss, rejection, adversity and much more in this life. But we have Jesus who is our source of joy and restoration living within us. 
Rejoicing in hope, patience in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer. 
Rom 12.12
 
Joy is a crucial aspect of our lives as believers and is a deep-seated sense of peace and contentment that transcends any situation. This joy is rooted in the hope we have in Jesus and the assurance that He is eternal and in control of all things. To experience this joy, we must trust in God and rely on His power which will fill us with His hope and peace.    For Jesus said, “these things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.” John 15:11
     
Instead of trying to fix things ourselves, faith requires us to surrender control of life and trust that He has a plan for us that is even better than we can imagine. 
      
The Holy Spirit is also a source of strength and encouragement in our lives. When we allow Him to work in and through us, He gives us the power to overcome trials, difficulties and experience true joy and peace that only God  can give us.   
 
Rejoice in the Lord always. Again, I say, rejoice!  Philippians 4:4      
 

      by Audrey E. Baker.    (mt airy church of Christ)
 
Owls have physical abilities that we lack – they are able to rotate their heads almost 360 degrees, almost a full rotation, so they can see what is around and behind, as well as in front, above and below. Basically, they are equipped to observe everything in their surroundings.  

On a spiritual level, what might we observe or learn from having an owl’s eye view where we are able to look behind, downward, around, inward and upward?  The bible teaches about these as being alert, watching out, being vigilant, looking above, and many more descriptions.  Let us look at each.

What dangers might looking down bring?  Doing this could mean that we chose to regress and re-embrace sin.  We were washed clean from corruption when we were baptized.  The bible warns in 2Pet 2:20 that if we escape the corruption of the world through Christ but become entangled in the world again, we end up worse off than when we started.  The consequences of regressing include eternal separation from God.  Our focus should not be downward, where we re-embrace sin and unrighteousness.  We do not want to lose our hope of going to heaven.
What might looking behind us mean?  Some see past actions they are proud of, while others see immaturity, lack of wisdom, dumb mistakes, failures.  If looking behind means regret, Paul tells us: "forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead," Phil 3:13. We cannot fix, correct, or change the past, and being too absorbed in our failures will simply hold us back and make us wallow in regret.  Forget it and press forward to better focus on God now!  If looking behind means that we are second-guessing our service to God, this is very dangerous!  Jesus warns that no one who puts his hand to the plow then looks back is fit for the kingdom, Luke 9:62. Once we make that vow to serve God, we should never look back or shrink from our service but press forward to good works, for God does not delight in shrinkers.

What about looking to others around us?   Seeking guidance from those who are spiritually strong is advised.  Older women in the church are told to teach younger women.  Young Timothy was taught by his faithful mother and grandmother.  But often, many of us look outwards to friends and family members who have not committed to serving our God.  Their advice could be contrary to God’s laws and could jeopardize our souls.  We are warned: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? … Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?” 1Cor 6:14,15.  We should not rely on spiritual advice from non-believers because “…you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.”  1Pet 2:8. Let us seek advice from fellow Christians.

Should we ever look inward?  Pro 3:5 encourages us to trust in the Lord rather than trusting in our own understanding.  Jam 1:5 tells us to acquire wisdom from God.  So, if looking inward relies on God’s wisdom, this is advised.  But looking inwards can involve introspection, where we examine our hearts, thoughts, intentions and motives.  2Cor 13:5 encourages us to examine ourselves to see if we are in the faith, and Jam 1:23-25 reminds us to look at our reflection through God’s word and address what needs correcting. So yes, let us continue looking inward using God’s wisdom and God’s word as the standard of righteousness, so we can save our souls.

What do we gain from looking upwards? Often when situations in our lives seem challenging or overwhelming, we become alarmed, worry, overly concerned, angry, or depressed.  Emotions are only human, but we must train ourselves to not let these emotions rob us of our main goal – to serve God and attain the prize of eternal life in heaven.  When these challenges arise, we should seek and set our minds on things that are above where Christ is, rather than on things of this earth, Col 3:1-2. We see this example from the prophet Micah. Mic 7:7. To the Israelites Micah said:  “…He (God) will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.”  And Paul encouraged Christians in the church with these words: “…God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”  With these reassurances, the Christian should always prioritize looking to God and be grateful that He cares for us.
           
​ In our examination, we learned that looking downward is not an option as it means we have regressed and reembraced sin, and there is no salvation without Christ. Looking behind can hold us back and stunt our progress.  Looking around us can be valuable if we seek advice from those who hold to God’s word.  Looking inward is only advised if we are relying on wisdom we receive from God or if we are performing self-examination.  Looking upward should be our primary focus in our Christian walk.  Heb 12:1,2 advises us: “…since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith.”  Like watchful owls, let us tune our focus, ensuring it is directed on God, who we obey, worship and serve.  By doing this, we can safely peruse the world of sin and not be entangled or influenced by it.